Monday, November 07, 2005

I proclaim

O you who have entered my blog, pity unto you. For this is no ordinary blog. Listen to me now and heed well my proclamation: HENCEFORTH YOU ARE TO BE OWNED, UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY, BY ME! ALL THAT YOU POSSESS, NOW AND IN THE FUTURE, IS MINE!

Perhaps you did not realize that merely reading a blog it could cause this rather disastrous (to you) reversal in your fortunes. You thought you were safe, indulging in your—what they call it—lurking. Well, you've just been outlurked! You did not suspect, you did not know—all of these excuses are to no avail. Come the morn, my agents will have liquidated all your property and my coffers, already bulging, will be that much richer.

Denial, then anger, is the usual response. All to no avail. By an indiscreet click of the mouse, my friend, you have hereby undone your fortunes for the remainder of your tenure on this mortal coil.

The reason I can do all this, and you have absolutely nothing to say in the matter, is that this blog has the power to allow me to convert whatever I proclaim into MY REALITY, where the ultimate arbiter of what is real, what is just, what is good, what in fact IS, is of course me.

All, however, is not without consolation. I have reserved for you certain inalienable rights that I will be more than happy to grant you. To wit:
1. Freedom of religion. You may worship any god you like, as long as She is black.
2. Freedom of speech: you may say anything you choose, so long as you say it in Sanskrit.
3. Freedom of assembly: you may gather in groups of any size so long as you do so naked.
4. Freedom of the press: you may publish anything you like in any medium except that of magical blogs.

For there can be no other blog before me. So I have proclaimed it...and in the country of the blog, the "one-I" blogger is king!

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